I haven’t written anything for awhile. It’s not because I haven’t felt like I have something to say. Rather, it’s been a matter of timing. Caring for five living children demands a great deal of time. It would be easy to get overwhelmed if I don’t stay organized. I must prioritize my time and energy and pray each night that I am able to spend quality time with my children and husband, individually and in small groups, throughout the week. I also pray that God will lead me in all things: word, deed, time, and manner. I feel like I beg Him: “Show me what to do! Show me how and when. Guide me, Lord. I want to follow Your will.” I know He wouldn’t give me such a heavy cross to carry if He didn’t want me to do something with it.
I don’t feel like I’m “failing”, but I often feel like I can’t hear God. It can feel dark, like I’m calling for Him in a cave. Where is He? I want Him to lead me, to show me the way. I’m standing alone, calling out, eager to join Him, ready to do whatever He asks…. BUT THERE IS ONLY SILENCE.
Without knowing if my words have meaning and purpose in God’s plan, I remain silent.
Today, I had a revelation. In this time of waiting to hear the Lord, He answered another prayer. He’s been giving me time to be present with my kids, to work outside, to swim, to hike, to play, to create, and to visit family. I’ve learned that there will be a lot of “waiting” in this life. Ultimately, we’re all just waiting to go home to our Heavenly Father. For the bereaved, we’re waiting to be reunited with our loved ones. For me, I’m waiting to joyfully meet Jesus and hold my Delia Grace again. There’s so much waiting for the Lord.
While we wait, God wants us to fill that time with living! He’s inspiring, guiding, and saving us at all times in His way. We may not hear Him, but it’s not because He’s not speaking. He may just be saying something we’re not ready to hear. We may be asking Him to lead us out of the dark, when He’s saying: “I put you right where I need you to be.”
My bereaved friends, we may never know why God has laid this heavy season of grief upon us. As we sit in this space of sadness and anger, please remember that our Father has reserved this sacred space for us. He wouldn’t put us here if it wasn’t where we were meant to be.
When I am frustrated because I don’t know what the Lord wants me to do with the cross I carry as a bereaved mother, all I need to do is hold it. I need to hold my cross in this space. I need to live in the waiting. I know that I can live with this burden, and sharing that today may make a difference in the life of another.
We can do this. We can thrive while grieving. We can fill this time of waiting with learning, growing, and sharing. God will show us what this is meant for in His timing. In the waiting, we’ll stand ready to hear Him and appreciate the gifts He’s giving in this space. The Lord works in mysterious ways and never stops working for OUR good.
"I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope." - Psalm 130:5