Our nightmare began on January 17, 2016, when my beautiful daughter, Delia Grace, went into cardiac arrest while breastfeeding in a restaurant. What started as a wonderful day with my family, turned into our current nightmare.
Since that time, I have been journaling my thoughts and feelings. I was recently moved by the following statement, “Your sole mission is to articulate your suffering so that it emancipates you and empowers other women.” – Carole Radziwill
This compelled me to begin sharing portions of my personal journey to educate, to lift up, and to guide others. You are not alone.
Journal Entry – 1/31/16
I am not at peace. I am not “at” any sort of definitive place. I am all over the place. One moment I feel alright. The next, I’m falling to pieces. I miss her in everything. I try not to think about what could have been or the experiences with her that we’ve lost, but my mind just goes there naturally. I want to know what she would look like, be like, sound like. I miss her ultra soft skin. I miss her smell. I miss her head, her soft, wonderful head. I used to rub my face, nose, and lips on it. It was so soft and smooth. I loved to kiss every inch of her, and I did. The day she had her cardiac arrest, I remember changing her diaper in the morning and thinking, “I’m not sure if I’ve kissed her knees.” Then, I kissed them and kissed them, just soaking her in. I long to kiss those knees, those shoulders, those cheeks. I long to be near her. I want my arms to ache from holding her all of the time. They ache instead from longing to hold her. I want everything to be as it was when she was here, and my mind was full of dreams for her and our family. Now, I have only memories of her, no more dreams for her.
So, I’m faced with the same choice every second of the day. Do I live or just wait to die?
“Ye have lost a child–nay, she is not lost to you, who is found to Christ; she is not sent away, but only sent before; like unto a star, which going out of our sight, doth not die and vanish, but shineth in another hemisphere.” – Samuel Rutherford