Our nightmare began on January 17, 2016, when my beautiful daughter, Delia Grace, went into cardiac arrest while breastfeeding in a restaurant. What started as a wonderful day with my family, turned into our current nightmare.
Since that time, I have been journaling my thoughts and feelings. I was recently moved by the following statement, “Your sole mission is to articulate your suffering so that it emancipates you and empowers other women.” – Carole Radziwill
This compelled me to begin sharing portions of my personal journey to educate, to lift up, and to guide others. You are not alone.
Journal Entry – 1/31/16
I am not at peace. I am not “at” any sort of definitive place. I am all over the place. One moment I feel alright. The next, I’m falling to pieces. I miss her in everything. I try not to think about what could have been or the experiences with her that we’ve lost, but my mind just goes there naturally. I want to know what she would look like, be like, sound like. I miss her ultra soft skin. I miss her smell. I miss her head, her soft, wonderful head. I used to rub my face, nose, and lips on it. It was so soft and smooth. I loved to kiss every inch of her, and I did. The day she had her cardiac arrest, I remember changing her diaper in the morning and thinking, “I’m not sure if I’ve kissed her knees.” Then, I kissed them and kissed them, just soaking her in. I long to kiss those knees, those shoulders, those cheeks. I long to be near her. I want my arms to ache from holding her all of the time. They ache instead from longing to hold her. I want everything to be as it was when she was here, and my mind was full of dreams for her and our family. Now, I have only memories of her, no more dreams for her.
So, I’m faced with the same choice every second of the day. Do I live or just wait to die?
“Ye have lost a child–nay, she is not lost to you, who is found to Christ; she is not sent away, but only sent before; like unto a star, which going out of our sight, doth not die and vanish, but shineth in another hemisphere.” – Samuel Rutherford
Thank you for this post. You always seem to know what I am feeling and what I think my daughter is feeling. Missing my grandson today and I know his mommy and daddy are missing him every day. Missing every part of him and wondering what he would look like and what he would be doing today at 19 months old. 😔
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’ve found some hope here.