Always More Questions Than Answers

February 2, 2016

You don’t want to know what this feels like.  It’s unimaginable.  It feels like the fires of hell are engulfing me from the inside out.  My hair is falling out.  There are scabs all over my arms.  My eyes are raw from the tears.  My stomach is nauseous.  I’m scared of everything.  I’m confused.  I feel slow and have difficulty answering even simple questions.

I miss her so much.  I want to touch her, smell her, have her near me.  I see her eyes.  I wake at night with flashbacks of the incident.  It replays, replays, replays… her beautiful face and the blood.  Her body as I lifted her screaming for Damon, screaming for help.  Screaming for God to help my baby!

My body is paying for this.  I no longer care about being beautiful.  I am no longer the happiest person on earth.  I still feel blessed beyond measure, but I don’t understand why God broke His promise to me.  Why did He take His promise back?

Will I have another daughter?  Is this a test?

I will never lose faith in Him.  Everyone, everything could be taken from me, and I will still believe in God.  I will still trust Jesus to save us all.

Will more be taken from me?  Is this the first of many pains to come?  Or can I get through this and learn the true perseverance God asks of me to become complete?

As my husband says, “There will always be more questions than answers.”

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“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” – James 1:2-4


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