No peace, No acceptance

February 11, 2016

I never imagined what it would be like to lose a child.  Who wants to imagine that?  How horrible.

When people say, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through,” I say, “Don’t even try to. You don’t want to know this pain.” I don’t want to know it either.

I try to talk to the kids about Delia Grace and just see where they are, what questions they have, etc.  I asked them, “Where is Delia Grace?”  Liam (age 2) said, “Sleeping.”  Isaac (age 4), face beaming, said, “She’s with Jesus.”  Michael (age 5), “She’s in heaven. I know that’s a fact.”  All true.

Yet, there is no peace.  There is no acceptance.  I don’t even know what that means.  I’m never going to say, “I’m okay with her dying.”  I’m never going to think it’s the right thing for me.  I didn’t want her to die.  I want her to be alive, growing up with our family.  I wanted her.  I loved her.  I still want her.  I still love her.

I am faithful, but I have fears.  Will another of my children be taken from me?

I want God to know that I believe.  I accept that this is His will.  Still, it’s still not what I want for my life or hers.  I miss her so badly.  I just want to hold her, feel her, smell her.  I will always want that.  I love her.  She is my heart.