I was reading through my journal, searching for something to post today. I found that so many of my thoughts in the first few months were so sad and frightening. Although it’s important to share the REALITY of this dreadful experience, it’s also important for people to know that it is NOT ALWAYS DARK. Yes, some days are extremely difficult. However, there are moments of joy and happiness that can occur, if we let them.
Journal Entry – March 8, 2016 (44 Days After Her Death)
Last night when I laughed for the first time, it felt incredible. Damon, the boys and I were wrestling and ended up in a pile on the floor. I was laughing so hard, I could hardly breathe. As the loud, belly laughs came out of all of us, it was an amazing release. I wanted the moment to last forever. I didn’t allow myself to feel bad about it. I knew she would want us to laugh and share joy. In that moment, I didn’t have to tell myself to breathe. It was effortless. I wasn’t working to live. As I laughed, I remembered this feeling of complete and total, overwhelming joy. I felt that same joy each day that I got to hold her, feel her, smell her, hear her. She was the softest, sweetest, most wonderful gift.
I’ve wondered, “Why did God break His promise to me?” BUT I know God keeps His promises. Her life was a miracle. The fact that she was born to us and was able to share love with us, that is what He promised. He never said how long I could have her on this earth. I’ve come to understand that she was made for the same place I was made for, the same place we were all made for. Our home is in Heaven, with Our Father. His promise of eternal life in Heaven is true, just as His promise to return joy to our lives. The laughter has come, and a new life with my angel will come too.
Today – August 31, 2016 (220 Days After Her Death)
No, the laughter does not last forever. It’s still a good thing to laugh though. My other children need to see and feel that they make me just as happy as she did. They need to know that it’s okay to feel sad sometimes, and it’s okay to feel happy too.
Yes, I do have “guilt” feelings when I feel happy. I don’t want her to ever think that I’ve forgotten or that my heart doesn’t hurt for her. It hurts every second of every day. I have to remain an example to my other children. I am their mother, and they need to know that there will be pain and suffering in this life. We still have to keep going, and we still have to try and find happiness.
God blessed me with five beautiful children to care for. I will do everything I can not to allow the death of their sister to negatively impact my other children. Her passing is part of their life, but I don’t want them to be defined by it. I don’t want to be defined by it either. I want to be able to talk to people and to live without the focus always being on the death of my beautiful daughter.
Her death is part of our lives, and she will forever be a part of our family. We will find happiness together. One day, I won’t feel guilty about feeling happiness. One day, I will get through a day without tears. One day, I will laugh without a layer of sadness. One day, I will hold her again.